Running Commentary – (Sigh) Star Wars Episode 02 – Attack of the Clones

Anime Reporter doles out some more real-time commentary, this time for the second film in the Star Wars chronology. I recalled not particularly enjoying this one. I recalled accurately. Here are my thoughts this time round:

00:01- Oh God. Here we go again. Two hours, twenty-plus minutes to go.

01:00 – Floating space bureaucratic exposition is slow and bureaucratic.

02:00 – Why are these spaceships making sounds in space?

06:00 – Seriously, with all his wisdom and experience, why can’t Yoda speak the right way around?

06:30 – Jar Jar Binks is in this scene, but keeping mercifully silent.

07:54 – And now he’s ruined it.

08:25 – Grownup Anakin is creepy and his pickup lines on reconnecting with Padme are super weak.

09:15 – Anakin is a dick to his mentor, Obi Wan.

10:10 – Anakin and Jar Jar have a conversation. Hard to tell which is less convincing.

12:20 – This dialogue is super tedious.

12:30 – Anakin might just be the creepiest creep who ever creeped. Crept? Either way. Dude needs to stop obsessing so much over Padme. What has he been doing for ten years that he cares more about his childhood crush than his duty?

14:00 – Yep, that’s how all good assassins work. If blowing someone up fails, you move to the much more reliable Poison-Worms assassination method.

14:45 – I love how garish and out of place the CGI feels in this entire scene built around one real-life character.

18:00 – Ewan McGregor tries his best to carry out a conversation with the mannequin playing Anakin. That rhymes.

19:30 – For a renegade Jedi with unsurpassed power who plays by his own rules, Anakin sure does manage to come across as super dull and creepy. Especially creepy.

21:30 – How the hell is anyone currently outrunning a, what, 18 year old Jedi?

24:00 – Once again, everything Anakin says is in the exact same tone of voice, just occasionally a bit louder.

25:00 – Anakin is assigned to be Padme’s personal bodyguard. Tries to hide his awkward teen boner.

26:00 – Anakin listens more to a random politician, whom he can’t possibly see regularly in his missions and training,  than to every one of his Jedi masters.

27:30 – Jar Jar talks again. It hurts.

28:00 – Anakin fails to convince me that he has practiced speaking to people in the ten years since the events of the previous film.

29:00 – Anakin interrupts Padme’s concern about the entire galaxy falling apart to whine excessively about his teacher.

29:30 – Padme asks Anakin not to leer creepily at her, so he leers slimily and grins creepily instead. Much better.

30:25 – Anakin is a creep in the background of Padme’s conversation with someone else.

33:30 – Obi Wan has a conversation with an alien whose species is apparently composed entirely of unconvincing CGI.

35:20 – Anakin turns a simple conversation into utter creepiness. Seriously dude, you’re a Jedi with supernatural powers of perception. Read the room. You’re creeping Padme out. You’re creeping me out. You sick creep.

38:15 – Every character in this movie seems to be made of either CGI or wood.

Except Samuel L Jackson. He’s gold.

39:25 – Anakin fails to convince me that he can emote and walk at the same time. Or just emote.

40:15 – Anakin is a brat. Creepy and bratty are not a good combination.

41:30 – Obi Wan finds the planet that was hidden from Jedi records and manages to land right at the front door of the exact perfect place he needs to go to move the story along.

42:45 – For Obi Wan’s tour, they take him to the nauseatingly bright white meeting room.

44:00 – Oh God. I think I remember this scene. Anakin is about to talk about sand.

44:35 – Yep – There it is. Emo sand-hating Anakin is so super creepy.

45:45 – Padme says “I shouldn’t have done that” after Anakin forces his face on hers.

47:35 – This army of stormtroopers will surely mean good things for the future of the Republic.

48:00 – After rejecting Anakin, Padme takes him on a romantic picnic and talks about her first kiss. God, I really hope Anakin falls off a rampaging sheep beetle or something soon.

49:50 – I have magic powers!

50:15 – Padme’s assigned Jedi bodyguard, the guy who moans about how his master doesn’t think he’s ready to be a serious, fully fledged Jedi master, protects her by rolling around in the grass with her, giggling.

51:10 – A.I.! That’s where I know those cloner aliens from. That was driving me crazy.

53:00 – Anakin knows the ways to a woman’s heart is levitating food off her plate and cutting it for her. Chicks love being patronised.

54:00 – Anakin’s chat-up lines sound like the lyrics for Uber-Emo, the new music sensation that nobody wants to listen to. “My heart is beating, hoping that kiss will not become a scar”. Moving stuff, you angsty, angsty creep, but still in exactly the same tone of voice az everything else.

59:30 – Anakin is a creep.

1:00:00 – Once he’s been rejected by Padme, Anakin decides that protecting the mother he hasn’t seen in ten years is much more important than the woman he claims to love, whom he’s also been directly ordered to protect. This is where being a bratty creep is most evident.

1:03:00 – This movie fails to be entertaining.

1:05:00 – Middle Eastern racist alien from the last film is back and he’s still super racist.

1:08:30 – CGI space fight is dull and fake and I don’t care about anything I’m seeing.

1:14:30 – Anakin tells the woman he loves and has sworn to protect to stay where she is while he leaves to protect the kidnapped mother he hasn’t seen in a decade from violent savage monsters – and it honestly sounds like he cares less about the whole situation than I do.

1:20:00 – Anakin’s mother dies as unconvincingly as Anakin lives.

1:26:00 – This guy can’t act.

1:35:00 – My God, there’s a lot of bureaucracy in this action movie. Good thing too, otherwise someone might have thought they’d learned their lesson from the last one.

1:38:00 – I’m really glad this giant conveyor belt battle takes place in front of terrible green screen effects.

1:42:00 – The dialogue/ acting/ effects/ story/ romance in this film sucks.

1:43:00 – Padme has apparently subscribed to Anakin’s “love means everything is pain” philosophy. Either that, or her spirit was broken by their impending execution and she was finally vulnerable to that creep’s Jedi mind powers.

1:44:30 – Obi Wan awaits execution and Ewan McGregor looks as bored as I feel.

1:47:30 – Padme KOs a giant tiger-thing with a kick, but the real victim here is physics.

1:49:30 – Worst execution method ever. Bring back the poison worm things.

1:51:00 – Giant stadium battles begins! Jedi Vs PS2 graphics!

1:54:00 – I don’t believe a single thing I’m seeing happen in this battle and, judging by the effort, neither do the actors. Except Samuel L. Jackson. He continues to be golden.

1:58:45 – So, I mean… doesn’t it seem like Darth Sarumon (I don’t care enough to remember the character’s actual name) has more of a point than the Jedi here? I mean, the Jedi are basically maintaining a terrible and ineffectual political system and he, with the emperor, are trying to get stuff done.

2:01:00 – No, wait, he is basically a terrible person.

2:02:00 – So much green screen.

2:03:00 – 5th scene in 5 minutes of Obi Wan and Anakin pointing at things for a green screen pretending to be a battle-cruiser thingy to shoot at.

2:06:00 – I don’t know if this film won the Best Supporting Actor Academy Award, but I really hope Green Screen was at least nominated for its effort.

2:07:45 – Now for the “amazing effects” I recall everyone being blown away by in the Yoda Vs Darth Sarumon fight. I doubt it’s aged well.

2:09:00 – Christopher Lee puts in the effort, but nope. This is not a great fight.

2:09:30 – Okay, the fight looks fine while they’re just flipping around, but every close-up shot on Yoda just ruins it for me.

2:12:30 – The emperor appears in person! Where’s Senator Palpatin when you need him?

2:14:45 – Anakin and Padme marry and nobody learns the blatant lesson about not letting emotions get in the way of their crucial duties. This relationship might be the only thing less convincing that the CGI.

Final Verdict- Anakin is a wooden wooden creep. The only reason anything in this movie mattered is that it pointed to things that we all knew were coming down the line. Anakin’s being a tool? Great, that means he’s on his way to evil! Anakin gets married? Great, that means the twins will be coming soon! Stormtroopers, bounty hunters, death stars, these things only matter here because we know they matter later. This film fails to be a decent film and serves instead as a very bland signpost to events that are much more interesting, but which we’ve already known about for decades.

Also, Attack of the Clones was a really lame name, since the clones were basically foot-soldiers for the Jedi. Oh well, at least I remember liking the next one more.

 

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Posted in American Film, Live Action Film, Reviews, Running Commentary, Spotlight of Shame

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