Anime Reporter returns to say the things I thought while watching movies. It’s precisely as elaborate as that. We return to the Star Wars prequels now for Episode III – Revenge of the Sith. And so, without further ado…
00:00- Fingers crossed that this film is as good as I remembered. i.e. good at all in comparison to the previous 2
00:29- Apparently this Star Wars film takes place a long time ago in a galaxy far far away. Huh, good to know.
00:51- This floating space exposition is the most useful of the prequels.
02:40- First interesting space battle of the prequels.
03:10- Anakin speaks and I forget what emotions are.
04:10- I really don’t care what happens to any of the pilots in this battle, since, apart from the 2 protagonists, they’re all identical clones of an evil bounty hunter.
07:05- I don’t think this is how outer space works.
08:20- Anakin and Obi Wan make genuine effort to interact with emotion. I appreciate them trying.
09:00- I almost cringed with I expected the baseball signal scene I vaguely remembered. Sigh of relief as I remember that I was just having a flashback to Episode II.
11:20- Anakin and Obi Wan are an old married couple. That’s cute, but not really.
13:30- I actually care about this fight between Anakin, Obi Wan and Darth Sarumon (even if I remember his name, I’m not about to stop calling him that). Big improvement over the last film’s fights.
16:20- That is not how space works.
20:45- That is definitely not how space works.
22:45- Anakin’s been practising his human emotions, I see.
23:30- I’m not sure on the exact ratio, but it seems like about 3 quips per scene.
26:00- For a secret marriage, Anakin and Padme are sure surprisingly public with their affections.
27:30- Anakin claims that hearing is wife is pregnant is the happiest moment of his life, spoken with all the emotion of someone ordering drive-thru.
35:55- Anakin trusts the guy who literally pushed him into murder over his own mentors and masters. The Jedi have a discipline problem.
40:00- I actually care a bit about this plot. Why couldn’t this have been Episode 1?
41:15- Finally! 3 Movies in and we get to see some wookies.
41:45- Padme understands the plots of these films better than the Jedi.
43:45- A blind toad could see Palpatine’s manipulation of Anakin, but he can’t.
47:00- Palpatine tells Anakin that the Dark Side can grant him 3 wishes, a bigger willy and Wonka’s golden ticket. Anakin takes the bait pretty easily.
48:30- More wookies!
49:00- Anakin isn’t chosen for a mission and he’s only annoyed because Palpatine told him he should be.
57:40- Obi Wan’s 40th quip of the film.
59:00- Obi Wan has learned the merits of not phoning in his fighting moves.
1:03:45- The emperor fairly casually reveals his identity as a Sith lord to Anakin. Anakin is more conflicted about turning him in than he has any right to be.
1:07:00- This battle scene against Grievous might be the longest Obi Wan has gone without a quip.
1:07:30- And he’s ruined it.
1:15:31- Anakin changes sides remarkably quickly, to prevent Padme from dying in childbirth, instead os, say, taking her to hospital.
1:18:00- The Emperor names Anakin Darth Vader, but he’s not really Darth Vader until he sounds like James Earl Jones.
1:22:50- The most surprising thing about this slaughter of the Jedi is that the early stormtroopers actually had excellent aim.
1:22:55- Anakin wipes out all the child-Jedi, thus eliminating any terrible child actors who could have grown up to challenge him.
1:26:00- A wookie is revealed to be Chewbacca, but since I never really saw that wookie do much and, since for all I know Chewbacca is the wookie equivalent of Steve and there are thousands of them running around, I choose not to care too much about this revelation.
1:31:00- We have the volcano planet setting! Let the giant CGI battle begin! Eventually…
1:37:30- Obi Wan watches security footage which seems to focus on conveniently plot-relevant events.
1:44:30- Anakin rationalises slaughtering as protecting his wife and children.
1:45:30- Anakin offers his democracy-loving wife the chance to be a dictator at his side. He responds poorly to her answer.
1:46:55- Obi Wan uses the same quip twice in 20 seconds.
1:52:00- For the most powerful Jedi of all time whose new allegiance to the Dark Side gives him access to incredible new power, Anakin sure does seem to be evenly matched by Obi Wan.
1:54:30- Why are people in swordfights constantly wandering out onto narrow ledges?
1:56:25- This volcano lightsaber battle may be ill-advised.
2:00:00- Obi Wan waits until the Jedi have collapsed and he’s chopped off his apprentice’s legs and is letting him slowly burn away, to feel an emotion.
2:02:00- Obi Wan leaves Anakin 95%, almost certainly, totally probably to die instead of taking five seconds to finish him off. I sure hope that doesn’t come back to haunt him.
2:06:45- There we go, now that’s a Darth Vader!
2:10:00- Yoda casually mentions to Obi Wan that Jedi can become immortal ghosts sometimes. You know, just in case.
2:11:00- Dozens slaughtered, but everyone important, who isn’t in exile, shows up to Padme’s funeral. Pays to be a main character.
2:13:00- Movie ends with Dumbledore dropping Harry off at the Dursley’s… or something to that effect.
Final Verdict: A bit heavy on the cavalier quips but, all in all, a much better movie than Episode I or II. Really, the prequels should have just been telling this story all along, without the tedious bureaucratic setup.